Former Blackout Artist

And at the Festivus dinner you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. – Frank Costanza

Festivus is the annual Celebration of Grievances, created by George Costanza’s father, Frank, back in 1997. Contrary to common belief, Festivus was never intended to replace Christmas, but rather to compliment Christmas.

Festivus is very real. In fact, there is an entire society devoted to celebrating this annual Celebration of Grievances. But there are five rules (or what is commonly referred to in Festivus vernacular as The Five Essentials).

• One must have an aluminum pole: Christmas requires a tree, Festivus requires an undecorated aluminum pole.
• Meatloaf presented on a bed of lettuce: Christmas has turkey (or ham for all you filthy swine lovers). Festivus has a nice, greasy meatloaf. The lettuce gives it a nice presentation.
• A gathering of family members and friends at the Festivus table: Christmas has the same. Except at Festivus, there is no need to make up nice things to say about the annoying people seated around you. You are there to air grievances, after all…
• A Festivus miracle: Christmas celebrates the miraculous virgin birth of the Jesus, while Festivus celebrates something equally miraculous in modern times. Example: Finding a missing sock.
• A Festivus wrestling match: After dinner, Christmas tradition welcomes guests to gather in the family room to digest their meal and rub their bloated tummies while watching a noncompetitive NBA basketball game on television. Festivus, however, celebrates the meal by selecting two guests who have the greatest grievances against one another to square off in a manly test of strength. It could be tug-of-war using a towel, or thumb war, or seeing who could hop on one leg the longest.

The Origin of Festivus from Long Ago

Once upon a Festivus Eve, in the cozy town of Quirkville, the Robinsons were preparing for their annual Festivus Celebration. Frank Robinson, a die-hard fan of “Seinfeld,” had introduced Festivus to his family with the zeal of a televangelist. His wife, Martha, and their two adult children, George and Elaine (named after Frank’s favorite show characters) were less than enthusiastic but had learned to embrace the quirks.

The centerpiece of their living room was not a glittering Christmas tree, but an unadorned aluminum pole, which Frank insisted had a “very high strength-to-weight ration.” The aroma of meatloaf, the traditional meal, wafted through the house, an olfactory reminder of the peculiar festivities to come.

As the dinner commenced, Frank clapped his hands with glee. “Welcome to Festivus, the holiday for the rest of us!” he declared, slicing into the meatloaf with a ceremonial flair. Martha, donning a sweater with a disgruntled Festivus pole, served the plates with a resigned smile.

Then came the time for the “Airing of Grievances.” Frank, ever the enthusiast, began. “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Martha, this year you bought low-fat mayonnaise. It’s like eating soured yogurt!”

Martha rolled her eyes. “Frank, you snore like a chainsaw, disturbing not just my sleep but the neighbors’ too! On three occasions they came over in the middle of the night insisting that I roll you over onto your side.”

George, a rather timid accountant, chimed in. “Dad, you keep using my Netflix account and messing up my recommendations. Might it ever occur to you that I don’t want to watch ‘Ancient Aliens’!”

Elaine, a yoga instructor with a free spirit, sighed. “Mom you keep asking me when I’m going to get a real job or a boyfriend. Yoga is real. And so is my love for my cat, Mr. Whiskerson.”

As the grievances flew like festive confetti, the doorbell rang. Confused, Frank opened the door to find their neighbor, Jerry, standing with a puzzled look. “Hey, I heard some loud talking. Is everything okay?”

Frank joyfully replied, “It’s Festivus, Jerry! The Airing of Grievances. Care to join?”

Jerry, a man of curiosity, stepped in. “Sure, why not?”

Seizing the opportunity, George turned to Jerry. “And you, Jerry, borrowed my lawnmower last summer and returned it with an empty tank!” Jerry, caught off guard, retorted, “Well, Georgie, you borrowed my ladder and I found it outside, rusting in the rain!”

The room erupted with laughter at the absurdity of it all. The grievances turned to playful banter, and soon the Robinsons and Jerry were sharing stories and enjoying the meatloaf.

As the night wound down with the “Feasts of Strength,” where Frank insisted on arm wrestling with George (and lost), the family realized that despite the oddities of Festivus, it brought them together in a unique and hilarious way. They agreed to continue the tradition, grievances and all.

And so, in the little town of Quirkville, the Robinsons embraced Festivus, finding joy in its unusual customs and in the love and laughter it unexpectedly fostered.

As Frank put it, “It’s a Festivus miracle!”