“Rules don’t change anyone’s heart, ever. Grace does.” – Brant Hansen
Tired. Restless. Miserable. Upon entering the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, this is the unenvious state that most of us were in. We thought we could find respite through escaping the realities of life through a bottle. But as some of us eventually learn, the discontentment with life was there long before alcohol ever entered the picture.
In a recent meeting in which the topic was about AA’s Third Tradition (“The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking”), a young man who most always sits in the back of the room, with his head always down and his face planted in his hands, surprised me by being one of the first to raise his hand to speak.
“This third tradition is the only reason I’m here. I find this whole notion of ‘god’ quite silly,” he said. “And I find some of you quite silly to be honest, to believe that God actually exists. Not once have I prayed to God. Ever. But I work the steps of the program and they’ve helped me avoid picking up a drink for a couple of years now, without your God.”
So my immediate thoughts were, “Thank God he’s sober and thank God he’s here. He’s not the first person who came into recovery spiritually bankrupt and didn’t get it right away. I just hope he hangs around long enough for the miracle to happen.”
But a couple of questions immediately came to mind also. “So he said he’s working the steps. How is that third step coming along? Or the 6th and 7th steps? To say nothing of the 11th and 12th steps?”
Had my friend read page 53 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (the chapter to the agnostic), he would’ve come face to face with this reality. “When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”
Perhaps he did read that chapter. Either way, his choice seemed obvious, at least at this juncture. “I’m doing just fine on my own.” But if his attitude outside the rooms is in any way representative of it in the rooms…
“I know who you are,” he curtly replied to someone who had simply attempted to introduce themselves to him after that meeting. He then stormed out of the room and left.
Alas. He will either eventually figure it out, or he’ll remain so miserable without drinking that sooner or later he’ll go back out for another tryst with the disease that wants him dead. Either way, that Third Tradition is there for guys like him. There are no rules. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no “musts.” But as an old-timer friend of mine likes to say, “If you’re skydiving, there’s no law requiring you to pull your ripcord once you jump out of the plane. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.“
It is in that same spirit that we encourage open-mindedness.
“The great fact is just this and nothing less: that we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God’s universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves.” – p. 25, Alcoholics Anonymous
Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of change. We either change the way we look at things or we eventually die from active alcoholism. I’ve yet to see anyone work the 12 spiritual solutions in AA to the best of their ability, with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness, and not change. This isn’t a guarantee that they’ll never drink again, but the odds are incredibly in their favor. But I have seen people rebel and resist those spiritual solutions and every single one of them relapse. And many of them never make it back into recovery and die a miserable alcoholic death.
And to be fair, there are some who are deeply religious and yet they too cherrypick the program. And they keep blaming God for their problems while never taking any responsibility for their sobriety. They refuse to do the life-changing work in those avoid-at-all-cost steps that bring about the spiritual experience that is talked about on page 25.
I do need to add a disclaimer however. There have been many instances when I’ve seen people come into AA and take to the program right away. They make meetings. They get a sponsor. They get a commitment. They put together 6 months or maybe even a year, and it inspires me. I’m like, “Aah. They’re getting it!“
Then one day I’m sitting in a meeting. And it hits me that I’ve not seen this person for a while now. So I ask around, nobody knows. Then one day about a month later, this person shows back up to a meeting and reminds us that it’s more than just showing up and saying all the right things.
It’s the things we cannot see. It’s the little things going on behind the scenes, when we’re not in meetings, that matter more than merely keeping up appearances and playing the sober game.
And sometimes it’s people, just like Mr. Personality who doesn’t want to be bothered and currently doesn’t believe in God, who eventually finds his way to God’s glorious grace. I’ve seen this countless times, and it’s even part of my own story, too.
And yet every time I see it, it still surprises the hell out of me.
Former Blackout Artist 