“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthians 13:7
Alcohol brought me peace and freedom early on. But near the end I found myself thinking not of joy on a daily basis, but of death. A life that had once promised me more than I could ever want had become one of less. Less joy and peace; less energy and rest; less self-worth and direction; less hope and less love.
I was left with only two options: Check out of life altogether, or check into a rehab and a program of life-sustaining recovery.
It has been several years since I last had a drink. As much as the prideful me would love nothing more than to take all the credit, I can’t. There’s no way I can take credit for my story today resembling something completely different from the story I lived for many years. It is not by my willpower that my life has changed. It is not by the love shown to me by countless others that has radically changed my life’s trajectory, although that love has certainly proven to be helpful and appreciated.
It was God who met me where I was that day that I no longer wanted to live. I prayed to Him and asked begged for His help.
And He responded.
“If you trust me Scott, you will do what I say. Go where I tell you to go. Do what I tell you to do. There will be days when you don’t feel up to the task, but that’s okay. I will give you the strength to do these things I have planned for you. What you will find is the peace and the freedom you have always been searching for. I am that Peace and that Freedom. All you have to do is trust me and show up.”
Showing up…. that had become a foreign concept to me. In the throes of my alcoholic life, I had lost the capacity to show up for anything. Now, it was to be the solution for just about everything.
As I worked through the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was tasked with doing a searching and fearless self-examination of my heart. I was instructed to write down on paper all of the sins that had overtaken my life and think about the impact that it all had on other people. A month or so later, I sat down with another person and shared my story. A month after that, I sat down with my pastor from church and prayed for forgiveness.
Little by little, as God led me each and every step of the way, I began to experience peace. Knowing that God has forgiven me, I could then forgive myself and others, and ask others for forgiveness for the harm that I had caused them.
“We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”
This is one of the promises recited at the end of many of our recovery meetings. Initially, I found it impossible to agree with the part about not regretting the past. But then I began reading in the Bible about the Apostle Paul’s life before he came to know Christ. He was a well-known persecutor of Christians, throwing them in prisons and even approving of their executions. But after Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection and ascension, Paul had an encounter with Jesus one afternoon and it radically changed his life, leading to him becoming one of Jesus’ greatest disciples.
Sometimes I have to hug that cactus of who I used to be. It helps me remember that period of my life and testify to how much Christ has radically changed my life, too.
Showing up and helping others still doesn’t come naturally to me all these years later. My flesh desires nothing more than sleeping in and spending most of the day doing what I want to do. God gives me that option. He doesn’t force me to do anything that I’d rather not do. And I could try to justify that by thinking, “You know, I’m sober today. I’m never going to drink again. I’m retired and I’ve paid my dues. It’s time to start enjoying life.”
But then I wake up every morning and think about that cactus, and think about others who are struggling in life and could use some help. So I hug that cactus and I praise God for giving me the freedom to help someone discover Christ and allow Him to radically change their lives like He’s changed mine.
“Just trust me, Scott. And just show up.”
Former Blackout Artist 