Former Blackout Artist

“Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, p.64

My first sponsor seemed to be a fun-loving guy, who surrounded himself with several other fun-loving guys. He chaired one of the meetings I attended early on in my recovery, and he’d recently celebrated a dozen or so years of sobriety. So I thought to myself, “Who better to ask to be my sponsor?”

During our second sit-down together over coffee, I informed him that I had just purchased the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. “Congratulations, for whatever that’s worth,” he replied. “That book didn’t get me sober, so don’t expect me to read it with you.”

Well, that was rather odd. Certainly not what I was expecting to hear, but hey… he knows more than I know, right? After all, the guy did just recently celebrate 12 years without a drink. He’s gotta be doing something right.

Through that 2-year experiment, I would come to realize that there are three types of people who come to AA:

• Those who are new and unsure if AA is right for them.
• Those who are active: they have a sponsor and work the 12 Spiritual Steps.
• Those who simply hang-out in AA.

The short of a very long and frustrating story is that it was absolute miracle that I didn’t go back out and drink. Sure, we made a lot of meetings together as sponsor and sponsee. But that aside, there was very little motivation coming from him as it pertained to explaining how the Steps work and guiding me through the process.

Essentially, I was sponsoring myself. And as it has been said many times during the many meetings I’ve made over the years, “If I have myself as my sponsor, I’m relying on unskilled labor.”

After a series of petty disagreements, one in which he questioned my attendance at a different meeting that he wasn’t particularly fond of, I decided to cut bait then and there. “Hey, thanks for all you’ve done. But I think it’s time I moved on to work with someone else.”

He did everything in his power to keep me in his posse of fun-loving friends, stopping just short of begging me to reconsider. Which was like the 50th red flag telling me that it was time to seek guidance elsewhere. But the 51st red flag was when he took it personally. I then knew without a shadow of a doubt that I no longer wanted what this man had.

Once in a blue moon, someone new to AA will ask me, “So how does this sponsor thing work out? Am I stuck with this person forever as my sponsor?”

I’m genuinely amazed when someone asks me that question. And the reason is because a) it’s a really good question, b) the answer is really important, and c) so very few newcomers ask it.

The short answer is this:

Absolutely not! You’re not bound to anyone in Alcoholics Anonymous. You can dismiss a sponsor at anytime, without cause or reason. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you should; sometimes our greatest assets in life are those who challenge our perspectives. But in the end, this is your sobriety, not your sponsor’s. You are responsible for your recovery, no one else. If it’s not working out, it’s on you to find someone who has what you want.

I have several sponsees, and we have a mutual understanding: neither party is bound by a contractual agreement. “If at any point you feel our arrangement isn’t working out, you’re free to find someone else. And actually, I would encourage you to do so! And on that same token, my time is incredibly valuable to me. So if you’re serious about working the program and staying sober, then great! Let’s get started. Otherwise, I’d appreciate it if you don’t waste my time.”

Sobriety is serious business. The wise among us treat alcoholism as the life and death disease it truly is. But not everyone has this same level of seriousness. And some prefer to just simply hang out at AA, with no intention of becoming active in the program and working the steps. Unfortunately this also includes people who sponsor others, too.

The second paragraph on p58 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reads: “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain Steps.”

As I grow Spiritually through the program of AA, my perspective of things change. And as my Spiritual perspective changes, so to do the things I want. So what I wanted when I first stumbled into the rooms of AA naturally isn’t the same as what I want today.

So, not everyone wants what I have. And on that same token, not everyone has what I want. That’s why it is perfectly okay to dismiss a sponsor and find someone who does.