“If you are bringing your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother or sister has anything against you, go first and be reconciled to him or her, and then come back and present your gift.” ~ Matthew 5:23-24
Repairing broken relationships can be incredibly challenging sometimes. Very few know this better than recovering alcoholics. But on that same token, those committed to the lifelong process of recovery understand better than most the necessity of reparation and reconciliation.
During our active alcoholism (and for some of us maybe even years prior to our pursuit of an alcoholic lifestyle) we created and harbored many resentments. The only regret we experienced was of the selfish variety; we seldom got our way, or so we felt. Our resentments, if left to fester and boil, would ultimately lead to unmentionable regret later on.
As the alcoholic fog begins to lift in early sobriety, we begin to feel again. Although there may still be a significant level of justification regarding the damage we’ve done to others, we slowly awaken to the fact that the punishment we inflicted upon others was often far greater than any harm done to us. But as we earnestly work through the life-changing steps of the AA program, we begin to take ownership of our past. Initially we may balk at the level of humility required of us to repent and reconcile the damage we’ve created, but for those genuinely committed to getting and staying sober – we find God and ask for His grace and help moving forward. When we become hesitant, we ask Him to help make us willing to do the difficult work that lies ahead of us.
For some this will seem a bridge too far; pride is always an enemy to an alcoholic’s recovery. Invariably these deniers will sooner or later find their way to a drink again and their loneliness, misery and suffering will be refunded to them tenfold.
What at first may seem an unenviable task, we have ultimately found to be a lifeline to our sobriety. If we are ever to be free of the heavy burdens of resentment and regret of the past, to remove the anger and bitterness in our lives, we embrace God’s grace as we do the heavy work required of us.
So when we finally get to the 8th and 9th steps of the program (made a list of all those we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all), we may still be somewhat hesitant with certain people. We would be wise to recognize that while the nature of the damage done to others may vary in severity, the step is very clear in how we proceed. We make amends to them all, unless in doing so would create further harm to them or others.
This isn’t about the harm done to me, but all about the harm I did to someone else. I cannot control someone else’s attitude or response, so obviously I would be wise to forgo assuming that everyone will be accepting of my amends and express happiness that I’m trying to change. Of course, this is our hope. And most of the time, if approached with sincerity and humility, we find this to be the case.
But either way, we do the work expected of us. And through this process we practice acceptance and grow in our recovery, one day at a time. And if we do this to the very best of our abilities, with God’s help and guiding hand, something miraculous happens:
We learn to forgive ourselves.
Former Blackout Artist 